I don’t know where these trust issues are coming from. Why is it that every man I talk to is a prospective usurper of your seat? That every action of mine is viewed as being something more than what it is? Why do you think that I hide things from you? Why are you being an insecure husband and doubting my love for you? And if you are insecure, instead of fighting with me, why don’t you douse me with your love so much that you will be sure that no one will be able to take your place? Every time you say a mean word, every time you push me away, you hurt me. And I keep that hurt in my heart. A fight and makeup will never take that away. The hurt builds up, like a tower. And inside that tower, I stay. And it’s from inside that tower I fight and say mean words that feel like stones being pelted at you. Words that seem like bullets.
Trust Issues: Your Suspicion Is Like A Dagger Through My Heart
Remember the last time when my girlfriend had called? She was speaking to me in a male voice. It was a game we were playing. And you thought it was another man that I was talking to. You asked me who it was and I said her name and you thought I lied. I didn’t lie to you. I never would. But your suspicion felt like a dagger through my heart. You wanted to see my call log. I refused to show it to you. Do you know why I didn’t show it to you? I didn’t show it because I wanted you to trust me. I wanted you to trust me because I knew I wasn’t wrong. If I were ever guilty, I’d choose to prove to you every incident where I wasn’t guilty. Your trust issues are harrowing for me and I do not want to feel under attack all the time. As if those few non-guilty moments would erase all the moments when I actually had been guilty. But I’m not guilty of adultery.
It’s not up to me to clear your suspicion
I don’t have to clear every misunderstanding that you might harbor because of your trust issues. I know that no one can ever take your place in my life. That is enough for me. And that should be enough for you. Our chemistry is crazy and you know that well too. Even our fights are so passionate that at times when we have differences I choose to fight than remain silent. And when I say I’ll divorce you, it’s the last thing I want to do. I say that because I am hurt and some sort of sadistic pleasure makes me say this and be more hurt. I do not want to be with a suspicious spouse and you were never like this to me before. We were never in an unhappy marriage. We can rekindle our trust and love, I know it. All I want you to do is repeat the oath of forevermore to me. I’ve left my parents’ home for you. I left my surname for you. I’ve left my virginity for you. And I’ve left my identity to become your wife, only yours. My sacrifice will not be in vain if you value the worth of my sacrifice.
I shall continue to love you
So before you feel insecure, think of all that I have done for you. And I did it all with love. I do it all for love. And I shall continue to do all that for love. Don’t doubt me, dear. Don’t ever doubt my love. Your suspicion has no solid foundation, trust me. I married a lover, not a detective who is out to sniff out mysteries all the time. A doubting husband is no woman’s dream. I’m not a thief. Not a criminal. And when you view me like that all the time, it hurts me so much. At times, I wonder if the only reason you had married me was to hurt me. To get a punching bag. I’ve spoken to my girlfriends and they all say the same. Does the designation of a husband come with this responsibility? Marriage is a lifetime commitment. If you love me with your heart, you will trust me. The moment the love wavers, trust issues crop in. I wonder why the love has started diminishing so quickly. Did you ever once think about it? Take some time out. Think. Love me back with that entirety. I’m here. Waiting. For a realm where there are no tears for me. Hoping you will cross the bridge and come over soon and understand me truly. Lovingly, Your wife
Our marriage is on the rocks. A few changes can save it
(As told to Joie Bose)
