Because we never think it’ll happen to us. How could we ever be the ‘mistress’ or the ‘other woman’? Surely we’re too smart to get taken for a ride. And no man would put his other half through this. Right?
Wrong. The General Social Survey conducted in the US shows that 21% of men have reported unfaithfulness in their relationships at some point in their lives. So you’re likely to get cheated, but you’re also likely to be the gal he cheats on his partner with. A lot of smart, educated, independent women find themselves in the role of a side chick.
It may seem surprising, especially given that being a side chick typically means willingly getting into a relationship despite being aware of the existence of your man’s primary partner or ‘main chick’. However, more often than not, our patterns in choosing romantic partners have got nothing to do with how evolved, mature, smart or accomplished we are.
The point is that you can never presume to be immune to ending up in the role of a side chick, and that’s why awareness of what it means to be a side chick, the signs you are the side chick and ways to walk away from such a dynamic is crucial. We’ll address all of these aspects of a side-chick relationship, but first things first: let’s find out the answer to the question, “How do you know if you’re a side piece?”
What Does It Mean To Be A Side Chick?
Simply put, being a side chick means that you’re in a romantic relationship with a man who’s already spoken for. He’s in a committed relationship with another. Since the man has a girlfriend, long-term partner or wife, who is his main chick, being in a relationship with him makes you the side chick. For the sake of analogy, let’s compare this relationship dynamic with a meal of burger and fries. The burger is the main dish and the fries are a side. While the side adds an extra zing to the meal, it cannot be a replacement for the main dish. The same holds for a side-chick relationship too. When assuming the role of a side chick in someone’s life, always be mindful of the fact that while you may make your man feel alive again and bring back the excitement he didn’t know he was capable of experiencing, you’re never going to take the center stage in his life. Your relationship remains hidden, a secret liaison carried out behind the curtains, away from the gaze of the world. “Side chick” is just a euphemism for “the other woman”. Once you come face-to-face with the psychological effects of being the other woman, you’d realize that this relationship can translate into a fulfilling wholesome connection. It will always leave you wanting for more. Monica (no, not Lewinsky. That wasn’t a side-chick relationship but a classic case of abuse from a man in a position of incredible power), a veterinarian and a single mom, learned the answer to what does it mean to be a side chick the hard way. She fell in love with a man who had been in a stable relationship for the past decade and quickly found her affections being reciprocated. Bonding over the misery of unfulfilling relationships, the two became close and soon a heady romance ensued. However, Monica soon learned the difference between a side chick and the main chick, and it wasn’t pretty. Her so-called “partner” was off limits on certain days and hours, and she couldn’t count on him even in times of need. She had to settle for early or delayed celebrations of all important days. His claims of her driving him up the wall notwithstanding, she remained his main chick, his life partner, his legitimate other-half while Monica had to make do with crumbs of his affection, attention and time. It was when he introduced her to a long-time friend as his pet’s vet that Monica knew she had to walk away from being a side chick.
7 Signs You Are His Side Chick
Take a moment to acknowledge what Christina Enevoldsen said: “The inability to get something out of your head is a signal that shouts, “Don’t forget to deal with this!” In each situation, there are always signs we can pick up on. Once you know what they are, half your job is done. And you do have an idea that something is fishy; you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. Allow me to bring your fish out of the murky waters of confusion by solving your doubts. You’re worried if you’re dating a player or if you are his side chick. I’ve heard your dilemma and you and I will face it head-on with a closer look at the signs you are the side chick for your partner:
1. He’s got another partner – a wife or a girlfriend
You’ve already got an inkling that there’s someone in his life, and you’re worried too. What you probably don’t realize is that she is the main woman, while you are a side piece. So what does side chick mean in a relationship? Simply put, you are his mistress – the one he isn’t committed to. You aren’t his priority because he already has a better half back home. I hate to say it but you’re the dirty secret he doesn’t want anyone to know. If you are already fully aware that he’s with someone else, don’t believe any promises of “I’ll leave her for you.” He probably won’t. You’ll definitely get hurt.
2. You don’t know him, not really
Sure, you know his favorite color or the pizza toppings he likes. But what about his friends? His family? Strangely, he hasn’t introduced you to them yet. Maybe you’ve tried to suggest meeting them, but he brushes it off. He clearly doesn’t want people to meet you. Let’s keep aside his friends and family, have you ever met anyone from his circle? Or is he always alone? He’s always going to make sure that no one sees you both together. God, being a side chick hurts. Take this as a sign to break up with him.
3. Where are the photos?
One of the most telling signs you are the side chick is that there is no digital evidence of your relationship, in your personal devices or your social media. When I’m seeing a guy, my gallery is full of goofy pictures and silly videos. This is the case with most couples. Even our social media handles have pictures of our partners because we want people to know how cute we are. Ever wondered why he won’t let you click pictures or post them. I bet he says lame things like, “I just don’t look good on camera.” If an acquaintance of his were to see the picture, he’d have a nightmare on his hands. Girl, if he’s playing you like this, you’re absolutely correct in asking how to end a side-chick relationship.
4. This relationship feels kind of weird
Why don’t you guys ever go on usual dates? Are you hanging out in the same places or at your house only? Strange, isn’t it? There’s a solid chance he calls you at specific hours and meets you on fixed days. A skilled cheater, he is an expert at incorporating you into his routine. And you aren’t used to this. How do you tackle a womanizer? A simple test would be asking for his phone and watching his behavior. If he’s jumpy or alert or straight-up refuses to give it, you know that you should walk away from being a side chick.
5. His communication isn’t exactly normal
I’ll explain this one to you. He is most likely interested in you because of the physical relationship you share. This is exactly why you should avoid being a side chick. Your attachment is one-sided. He is in it for the thrill, excitement and freshness of a new romance. He texts or calls when he’s looking to get some action, and on other days, he ghosts you for long periods. What can be the response to ghosting? He doesn’t realize (or care) that you are emotionally invested. The best conversations you both have are probably in bed after you’ve had sex. Wondering how do you know if you are a side piece? Well, here is your answer. Being a side chick for guys really is awful. If you can’t shake off the feeling that you’re the only one emotionally invested in this connection, know that you’ve on your hands one of the clearest signs you are the side chick.
6. What’s his address?
Are you just realizing that you don’t know where he lives? Our romantic partners almost always know where we live. You need not know the exact flat number, but the building’s name at least. Being a side chick hurts because you’re in too deep, and he is not into you. If he’s dodgy about telling you his zip code, chances are that he has a wife or girlfriend back home who won’t be too happy to see you. Always meeting up at your place or getting a room at a hotel and your partner getting all jittery at the mere suggestion of you two chilling out at his place are all signs you are the side chick.
7. He refuses to open up to you
Last, but never least, is his emotional distance. You see he’s not in it for the emotional connection. His emotions are invested elsewhere, and you’re just someone he has fun with. You keep asking him to share but he is not his most authentic and vulnerable self around you. This is because he doesn’t see you as a part of his life in the long term. It will be hard to hear, but he’s pretending to love you. Don’t be someone’s plaything, take charge of the situation now. I think these have provided you with enough food for thought. Just remember to be objective and level-headed when you dwell on these signs. I know being a side chick hurts. But if you want to find out how to end a side-chick relationship, you’ll need a clear head.
8 Ways To End A Side-Chick Relationship
So what can be done to rectify the situation you’re in? You know the answers to what does side chick mean in a relationship and how do you know if you’re a side piece. But there is still one very important question that needs to be addressed – how to tell him you’re done being a side chick? Being a side chick for guys can get very corrosive in the long run. You don’t want to struggle with issues of self-esteem and guilt, right? Your relationship with your own self is the most important. For your own well-being, you should go through the 8 ways to end a side-chick relationship. It’s about time you took things into your own hands. Let’s address the question of the hour: how to end a side chick relationship?
1. Ask yourself, are you okay being the ‘other woman’?
Now I’m not here to judge your choices, only to make sure that you understand their implications. Once you begin to see the difference between a side chick and the main chick and experience first-hand how differently your partner treats the two, this twisted dynamic can take an emotional toll. You should avoid being a side chick because it will most probably land you in a mess. You’ll either get caught up in a dramatic breakup or you’ll get attached. If flings, hookups, or no-strings-attached relationships are your thing, then you do you. But before that, sit with yourself and map out the pros and cons of either choice. Understand the consequences and make an informed decision.
2. Confront him: A definite way to end a side-chick relationship
How to tell him you’re done being a side chick? Be upfront and clear. You can’t walk away from being a side chick without talking to the guy who put you in this position in the first place. Have a direct and straightforward conversation with him where you tell him what you want. Hear his side of the story too but don’t be gullible. Confronting a cheater must be done with proof and cool collectedness. I advise you to not leave the conversation without deciding on how you want things to be.
3. Cut him off, once and for all
A goodbye is a goodbye. No relapses or falling back into old patterns. A close friend of mine is prone to on-off relationships and they’re just the worst. Block him on social media, delete your conversations, and rid yourself of him. There are certain things you should not do after breaking up, and getting in the toxic mess of an on-again-off-again side-chick relationship is definitely one of them. No matter how many sob stories he approaches you with, Do. Not. Entertain. Him. When you feel yourself going back to him, just recall why you broke up. You will walk away from being a side chick and never look back.
4. Process your emotions
To walk away from being a side chick, you need to face and embrace the reality of your situation and recognize your part in it. Don’t be in denial of what happened. Take accountability where it is due, recognize the bad phase which passed by, and grieve for the relationship (because it was one for you). Allow yourself to feel everything, and acknowledge each emotion: anger, sorrow, grief, and regret. Talk to a close friend or family member, even seek professional help if you must. We, at Bonobology, are always here for you.
5. Get closure
No one can heal without getting a sense of closure. Forgiving him might be too big a task but don’t let him exercise control over you anymore. Healing after you’ve been a side chick for guys is a very difficult and long process, but I’ve seen enough people go through it to know that you will emerge stronger. Have faith! And remember, you don’t need “answers” from the other person to find closure after you’ve chosen to walk away from being a side chick. In fact, more often than not, this quest for answers is what inhibits our moving-on journey. And in all likelihood, nothing he says will make you feel better about this situation. When its closure you seek, look inward and not to your past.
6. A little retrospective thinking, please
A good practice I follow is analyzing my decisions when a relationship comes to an end. Are there certain self-sabotaging behavior patterns I fall into? Do I need to take accountability somewhere? If you tend to be a side chick for guys (knowingly or unknowingly), why not sit down and examine the choices you’ve made. Once you start noticing your patterns, you can easily avoid being a side chick. This introspection may also help you see you unknowingly struggle with insecure attachment patterns or if there are any latent triggers driving your relationship choices. Identifying these problem areas is a big win, since it throws up the gates of healing and recovery.
7. Take some time off for yourself
Dating one man after the other is seldom healthy. Being single for some time, especially after you’ve come out of a relationship, is an excellent idea. Have no regrets about your past relationships and just have some good old-fashioned fun. Spend some time with yourself, take your own self out to dinner, maybe go on a solo trip. Get a mani-pedi and pamper yourself with some retail therapy. Be your own BFF and have fun without a man by your side. I promise you, you’ll never have to ask how to end a side-chick relationship again.
8. Put yourself out there again
After some time has gone by, get out there in the field again. There’s plenty of fish in the sea; just because you caught some plastic trash in the first go, doesn’t mean there won’t be another chance. Just be cautious this time around because you don’t want to go through the painful process of walking away from a side-chick relationship again. There’s a man out there who will treasure you for the gem you are! I’m going to leave you with the reassurance that everything will be okay. You’re a strong woman and know when it’s time to walk away. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and take pride in your decision to call it quits. If you won’t look out for yourself, who will?
