In this age of social media and instant connectivity, it’s easy to feel insecure. If your partner had episodes of infidelity in the past, it’s normal to feel insecure about them. Consider opting out of the relationship rather than dealing with your insecurities. But in a relationship where your partner has done nothing for you to be suspicious of and you still rack your brains over the quality of your relationship, the issue lies more with you than with them and it is time to get rid of your insecurities. If you are in a healthy relationship but still don’t feel content in it, is it the insecurity from your past that’s wreaking havoc on your present? Or is it your chronic insecurity acting up? Let’s understand what insecurity in a relationship means and what you can do to manage it.
What Is Insecurity In A Relationship?
An inner feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way is known as insecurity. We’ve all experienced it at some point. While it’s natural to experience self-doubt from time to time, continuous insecurity can impede your success in life and can be especially harmful to your intimate relationships. Chronic insecurity robs you of your calm and hinders you from engaging in a relaxed and earnest way with your partner. Insecure behaviors such as constantly seeking reassurance, envy, accusing, and snooping weaken trust, are unattractive and can drive a partner away. While many people believe that insecurity stems from something said or done by their partner, the truth is that the majority of insecurity stems from within ourselves. The sensation can arise after being injured or rejected by someone you care about, or it can start early in childhood with an insecure attachment to your parents. When you compare yourself to others unfavorably and severely evaluate yourself with critical inner dialogue, you sustain and build on your insecurities. The majority of relationship insecurity stems from illogical concerns and thoughts: that you aren’t good enough, that you won’t be happy without a partner, that you’ll never find someone better, and that you aren’t truly lovable. It is important to stop being insecure in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. The first step toward doing that successfully is to recognize the signs of insecurity in a relationship.
Signs Of Insecurity In A Relationship
From checking up on your partner constantly to getting hyper if your partner has a friendly chat with a colleague of the opposite gender, the signs of insecurity can manifest in various ways. Are you jealous when he brings up the topic of a female colleague? Do you get suspicious when she doesn’t answer her phone? These are signs of insecurity in a relationship. Here are 10 more signs to help you recognize your insecurity:
1. Constantly checking up on your partner
Needing to know where your partner is every minute of every day impacts the relationship in a bad way. It’s your insecurity bubbling to the brim and your partner doesn’t have space to breathe because you are always encroaching in their time and space. This kind of behavior can make the relationship claustrophobic for your partner. Instead of being jealous when he is hugging a female friend, find ways to overcome your insecurity so that your relationship does not become a prison for your partner.
2. Always wanting to do things together
Do you plan your weekends with your bae? Do you also make weekday after-work dinner or movie plans with your partner? People who are insecure in relationships feel the need to spend every waking hour together. Having no sense of independence is unhealthy for a relationship. If your insecurity is forcing you to spend every waking moment with your partner, you need to find a way to get over the insecurity.
3. Get mad when they do things/go places without you
Does your partner making plans with his friends (excluding you) make you spiral down a road of jealousy? Getting mad at your partner for having a life of their own, only points out how jittery and insecure you are really. It is not their responsibility to be around you all the time. It is normal for them to not include you in certain plans. You should also have a social life that is separate from your partner and not feel jealous the next time he goes out with his school friends. It is time to have a social life and deal with the insecurity.
4. The ex-talk gets you cranky and moody
Everyone wants to know about the person who came before them and that’s pretty natural. But if you want to know what kind of person the ex was and how they broke up, then you tend to get overworked whenever the name pops up (sometimes, you are the one to bring up the name to see how your partner reacts). Then when they say something you start reacting more. This is a clear sign of insecurity. It is alright to be uneasy about the topic of an ex. However, being jealous and letting it ruin your relationship is not okay. Your partner is with you, loves you, and has chosen you. So stop being insecure about his ex and focus on what you both have.
5. You find yourself stalking your partner’s social accounts
Oh, how easy it is to scroll through the old Instagram posts to awaken the Kraken of insecurity. Social stalking has given a new rise to insecurities. The deeper you go in their posts, the more comments you read, the stronger your insecurities get. Once, a girl commented on my brother’s Bali vacation photo. Her comment was something about how hot he looked. When his wife read that, she went into a frenzy. There was a full-blown fight about the girl, who wasn’t even known to my brother. It was her insecurity that brought out her ugly side. If you experience something similar every time someone comments on your partner’s posts, it is time to learn how to get rid of your insecurity.
6. And sometimes, even snooping on their phone
You probably know it’s wrong. You probably know you won’t find anything to substantiate your insecurity in the relationship, but chronic insecurity gets the better of you. Spying on your partner is wrong on so many levels. You are breaking their trust and invading their privacy. You know it is time to deal with your insecurity when it is making you go against your ethics and break the sanctity of a relationship.
7. You need constant assurance that you are the one
With all the negative thoughts and emotions in your head and heart, you constantly need your partner to assure you of their deliverance in the relationship. You need validation to get through your day and suddenly, even them telling you you’re the one for them is not enough. You might nod and smile, but in your head, you are already thinking of other ways to substantiate your emotions. This is extremely unhealthy and is a sign to stop being insecure, especially when your partner is providing you reassurance.
8. Their friendliness puts you off
Even a hug for a friend puts you in a cranky mood, and before you know it, you start thinking your partner has side feelings for this person. The quality – your partner’s platonic friendliness – that made you like him in the first place is suddenly the reason you stay awake at night. It is time to seek help and overcome your insecurity, for the sake of you and your partner too.
9. You don’t like confrontation
You don’t want to have any confrontational conversations with your partner. For you, confrontation means fights and the ugliness of the relationship coming forth. But every healthy relationship relies on speaking your mind but your internalized thought process has already been juiced up by your insecurities and you don’t want to provoke them. When insecurities pave the way for the doom of your relationship, it is a sign you need to stop being insecure and find a way to deal with your insecurity.
10. You find deeper meaning in their responses
“I don’t want to go out tonight.” A simple, honest reply can throw you off the bed and you read too much into the response. You feel you are not enough and that your relationship is falling apart. Likewise, replies like, “My mother really liked you” also spell doom for the relationship. You feel your partner is overcompensating for the fact that his mother actually didn’t like you. You just cannot accept a forthright honest reply. All these thoughts are signs of insecurities and before you become the reason for your doomed relationship, find out ways in which you can overcome insecurity in a relationship. Your irrational thoughts and fears can render you in a sinking feeling of chronic insecurity. But all is not lost, there are a few things that you can do to save yourself and in turn, save your relationship.
8 Ways To Overcome Insecurity In Relationships
Seeing problems when they do not exist, self-doubting, feeling like you are losing control and other such signs indicate you need to work on your insecurity problems. You need to take control of what you think and feel and how you reflect those thoughts. It can be challenging at first, but a conscious approach would help you live your best life. Here’s how to start:
1. Asses yourself before and build your self-esteem
Your insecurity is your self-built inferno. It is like a yeast infection – easy to catch but hard to get rid of. Analyze the reasons why are you being insecure. Insecurity is more about your self-esteem rather than your partner. Before you try and make your relationship perfect, work on yourself. Practice self-care. Pamper yourself. Or do things that keep you out of your comfort zone and help you overcome your insecurities. Boost your self-esteem. Next time you feel like shirking away from a social gathering, try and go there instead. Take baby steps.
2. Let go of the past
Does your insecurity in the relationship stem from the fact that you had a compulsive cheater as your partner in the past? In that case, your insecurity has a legit reason. But equating your current partner with your ex and not being able to see your partner as a genuinely good person is living in the past. Not letting go of your past is not good for your present relationship, for you, or for your partner. Work on it. Therapy might help you heal if your past relationships have left you insecure about love and relationships.
3. Pursue interests of your own
Next time you pass by a couple’s cooking class or a dance class for two, lean in and say NO. It is very crucial to have and pursue interests that do not involve your partner. It is not a personal slight to your partner but more of a lesson to teach yourself to have a life of your own. Your partner is not the sun and you are not the lonely planet of the solar system. Your whole life cannot and should not revolve around him or her. It’s going to be difficult but keep at it and you will get better. This will help you in getting over your insecurity.
4. Take a break from social media
As Maa used to say, “Facebook will be the death of you”. Withdraw from social media, be it FB or Instagram, or Twitter, where it is easy to spot a few happy couples and think your relationship is not fun enough. The enviable relationships on social media are not always as portrayed but your insecurity-riddled brain might not see it that way. Do yourself a favor and log out of all social media until you work through your issues and learn to manage triggers. You need to stop being insecure about something which is fake. If that’s too much to ask, unfollow a few accounts that make you feel inadequate about your relationship.
5. Confide in a friend
Here’s the best way to overcome insecurities. Share your innermost negative thoughts with your trusted pals. Grab a bottle of pinot and blabber it all out to your confidante. The thoughts that seem so valid in your head might look less so when you voice them out.
6. It’s okay to take a breather
Give your partner and yourself some space. Ask your partner if it’s okay if you don’t meet up for a few days. Take a step back and give yourself some space. Allow yourself to have a fresh perspective. Don’t think about the relationship and devote your energy to some other task. This will eventually help you get rid of your insecurities.
7. Please, please do not overthink
The dark eye bags prove you are up all night overthinking if your partner is cheating on you with his high school friend. It might not be as easy to control your mind but try and engage yourself in activities and don’t allow your idle brain to cook up some random holy-cow deductions. Just because your partner is out for drinks with his colleagues, does not mean he is going to cheat. Overthinking ruins relationships and fuels your anxiety for no good reason. Stop being insecure and feeding fake scenarios to your brain.
8. Be open for conversations
As an insecure person, you might not want to be in any confrontational (or controversial) topics but try and open up to your partner about the things that make you insecure. The aspects of the relationship, something that your partner did that made you insecure – things like that. An understanding partner won’t just reassure you but try to make things easier for you as well. But while you are at it, do not make a habit of having your partner reassure you every time you feel insecure. Gradually, as you let go of your insecurity, you will experience reduced stress and your relationship satisfaction level will increase. Learning to stop being insecure is not a magic trick. It does not happen overnight. You have to take it one day at a time to understand where it is coming from and how you can overcome your insecurities. Communicating with your partner can also be helpful in your journey of learning to deal with insecurities. Remember, don’t overthink and trust your partner and your relationship.
